MONESSEN, PA—Recreational cyclist Ethan Coseglia, 38, thoroughly explained the benefits of wearing $35 bike-riding socks to his friend Kevin Washburn Friday, saying that his specially designed socks are essential in optimizing his overall cycling performance.
"They're great," Coseglia said to Washburn, who has never purchased a pair of socks for more than $8. "They're so comfortable, and they give me really good support. They also have the ToeTip Protector technology, which I like a lot. Seriously, if you ever get into biking, I would definitely go with these."
"Really good breathability, too," Coseglia continued to his friend who only purchases athletic socks in packs of three or more.
Throughout the 10-minute conversation, Coseglia, who took up biking several months ago and rides an average of 6.5 miles two times per week, repeatedly drew comparisons between his special socks and regular socks, telling a politely nodding Washburn that the differences between the two are "night and day."
According to Coseglia, one key area in which the socks are superior is the way they distribute pressure to both parts of the foot, which he said is very important for his bike riding.
Coseglia also mentioned his socks' anatomically molded footbed, their airflow ankle pads, the way they promote lateral ventilation under the sole of the foot, and moisture, specifically his socks' ability to defend against it.
Reports later indicated this was the first time Washburn had ever engaged in any sort of in-depth discussion about socks with anyone.
"They're lighter, that's for sure" Coseglia told Washburn, who, assuming he heard Coseglia correctly, learned that his friend knows the exact weight difference between normal white cotton socks and his special bike socks. "And they definitely keep you more stabilized. I noticed that right off the bat."
"I'm pretty sure these ones don't have the nanofibers, though," said Coseglia, unaware that in that instant, Washburn was confused as to whether or not the two were still talking about socks. "But you really don't need those. They're like 65 bucks. That's getting a little crazy."
Coseglia added that on Sunday he traveled 25 miles to go to a special bicycle equipment store to purchase several more pairs of socks, a statement leading his friend to silently calculate that in the past week Coseglia has spent more than $100 on socks.
Saying that it's better if all your cycling equipment is the same brand, Coseglia told Washburn that his biking shorts, gloves, jersey, helmet, socks, and shoes are all manufactured by Sugoi, and that his $630 outfit is extremely durable and "really good for good aerodynamics."
"It's important to have the right gear," Coseglia said to Washburn, who doesn't know the brand name of any of the socks in his dresser drawer, and mentally separates them into two categories: dress socks and regular socks. "I see people out there who don't know what they're doing, and I'm like, 'You can't just get on a bike and start riding it.' That's why I got that [$235] bike helmet the other day with the extra protective polymer."
Continued Coseglia, "I'm pretty sure it's the one Lance Armstrong wears."
According to sources, the two friends then stopped talking, allowing enough of a break in the conversation to give this reporter a chance to finally ask the question that's been on everybody's mind this entire time: whether or not all this sexual tension between the three of us is actually going to lead someplace.
Oh, come on, Ethan, don't play dumb. And Kevin, you have been stealing glances at me this entire time. You don't think I noticed the way you smiled at me when Ethan said, "I'm pretty sure these [socks] don't have the nanofibers"? So, gentlemen, we can either sit here and keep talking about bike equipment, or we can just admit that there is something powerful going on between us. Am I being too forward? I apologize. Just say the word, and I'll leave right now and go back to the newsroom and file this socks story. But something tells me you don't want me to go. Something tells me that slight hesitation in your eyes means maybe you want to go upstairs to the hotel suite, open a nice bottle of wine, and just see where this thing goes.
What, you thought I booked this interview in a hotel lobby by accident?
Come on, it's obvious you guys have been having just as much fun with this as I have. I mean, look at us. We're three gay guys sitting around talking about bike socks, trying to pretend like we wouldn't rather be ripping each other's clothes off right now. There's so much sexual energy here it's ridiculous. Kevin, I've seen you stealing glances at me, wondering to yourself whether or not I'm wearing underwear right now. I'm not. And Ethan, I've got to tell you, the whole time you were talking about your Sugoi bike equipment and all that money you were spending on socks, I was so hard. I'm still extremely hard.
Look, all I have to do is call my editor and tell him I need an extension and we can go upstairs and have an unforgettable time. Maybe I could massage your dicks in the elevator on the way up to the room while you two kiss each other. Have you two ever thought about that? What it would be like to kiss each other while a third person watches? Don't blush. You have no idea how much pleasure it would give me to see you two give each other pleasure. And then maybe after we undress we could have some fun in the shower, and then on the bed, and then while I'm on my knees on the floor grabbing hold of the nightstand while both of you pump away and take turns on me. Or if you'd rather start off slow, that's fine. I like slow. I like fast, too. Whatever makes you comfortable.
And when we're done, we could check out of here and no one would be the wiser.
So why don't we stop talking and let nature take its course, eh? I'll tell you what, I'm going to leave a key to the room on this table and go upstairs. Room 819. What do you boys think? Want to fuck the brains out of a reporter from America's Finest News Source?